lynnelizabeth

and my GOODness how things have changed.

Jonathan unfairly lost his job in the end of August and sent things into a whirlwind. He found a job, exactly a week later, at American Apparel and he LOVES it. I love it also, because the hours are more convenient and Jonathan is not nearly as stressed as he had been with Starbucks. In the week of his unemployment he had an accident whilst cleaning the chain on his bicycle that resulted in him having nine fingertips rather than ten. It was scary (as hell) at the  time, but it has healed miraculously and he will be a man with ten whole fingers within the next week or so! And, the insurance company covered most of it: we will only wind up paying about $300 for everything! (amazing)

I put in my two weeks with Starbucks a few weeks ago. Sunday was my last day there; I am so thankful, the Starbucks here are dreadful to work for. I now work at a small tea shop in town called “The Tea Smith” and I adore every bit of it so far! It is much more relaxing and peaceful and I get to drink tea all day! I will start nannying for a couple of cute kids three days out of the week on November 2nd.  The hours and stress are more forgiving between The Tea Smith and nannying than they ever were at Starbucks and I will be earning more money! I will also have plenty of time to work on my art and pottery.

We have been having “Thursday Night Dinner” at Adam and Asher’s (AKA: Conno-weedy) and it has been quite the enjoyable experience so far! There is about a dozen of us that have been meeting for exactly a month there now, and each night is a new person’s turn to cook! Last night was vegan breakfast for dinner and how delightful it was! French toast, hash browns, tofu scramblers, tofu sausage, and plenty of fresh fruit! The Thursday before that was my night to cook, and I made vegetarian fajitas (essentially.) I sautéed all the bell peppers of the rainbow and delicious zucchini squash in grape seed oil with onions and garlic, salt and pepper then wrapped it all up in warmed tortillas fresh from the oven! It was a hit, I must say.

I have also been trying my hand at the sewing machine! I hope to get my own soon, but I have been using some friends’ when they don’t need them. I’ve mainly been editing shirts and such, but I have a few projects too. I am currently working on some cute door stoppers for those damn doors that don’t seem to want to stay open! One is a blue bird and the other is a lady bug, and they will be adorable upon completion. Our apartment is cozy and cute as ever! It has grown into a beautiful home that I am quite proud to claim as my work. Some of you have been asking for pictures, and I promise to get them to you soon! I am currently in the middle of backing up my computer and starting all over. I will not make you wait too long!

I have some new photography up though, http://flickr.com/anatomyofentropy

Thanks for reading!

it was so beautiful and stormy today: the kind of day that reminds me of what a small role i play in this world. it rained lightly off and on, but it rumbled consistently. i was sure to open every window and door that i could. the air though, made me want to go back to wisconsin. i desired nature.

we also got a new bed on thursday; not that we were ungrateful for the bed we were given, but this bed is incredible! the other one we had was an old queen mattress one of my mom’s friends gave to us when i moved up here, but jonathan and i had both been having a hard time sleeping and i was more frequently experiencing back pain. so we decided to invest in a nice mattress and box spring set for both our sakes.
they are winslow, and the mattress has a plush top sewn in. the mattress alone is retail priced at $800+. we got them both for $280. what a steal! and what a difference we have already seen! needless to say, we are comfortable and happy with our purchase.

the box spring and mattress together measure in at 15" deep!

we also bought dark chocolate brown bamboo jersey sheets to fit our new bed off of target.com with our target gift cards. thanks everyone!

i have cut my hours down to about 30 a week now and i plan on setting up a studio space for myself to start creating art in. i found a neat little old roll top desk earlier this week and talked with the gentlemen who is selling it today, he is going to give it to us $100 off what he was orignally selling it for! he says he wants it to go to a good home, and he wants us to have it since we are newly married! :) jonathan and i will go pick it up later this week- pictures soon to come. (i am so excited!)

emotional entropy is an easy thing to fall into in my case, especially when i’m not spreading myself out.

i left everything behind to come live with my husband, jonathan, and i did it entirely out of love. i do really miss the life i left behind, but with love and relationship comes giving and sacrifice. i made the decision, and i cannot hold my actions against him.

the transition was rough, yes. i have since made three quarters of an art piece, a chandelier i cannot hang up; i have written one song and barely journaled since i’ve been here. thus, most of my expression and need for an emotional outlet has been focused on nothing but my husband. it gets a little draining for both of us and emotionally difficult for me when he has other interests he wants to attend to. i naturally become a little bitter and fed up with his other interests when i have none. it is unhealthy, i know this.

i suppose i’m learning how to balance my interests, or at least have other interests, or how to attend to said other interests. oh, prioritizing: something we all should have been taught to grasp in kindergarten.

but he still loves me. i guess that is why i married him. :)
when we are bickering it out and he is overreacting and i am still, silent, and expressionless and we both begin to question this marriage idea- everything that seems to be breaking our world apart turns into silly nonsense. always.

this questionable person i seem to become emerges, again, as lynn: my jonathan’s lover and best friend. always.

july seven, two thousand nine

i’ve moved to omaha, nebraska and it has been difficult. i miss saying goodnight to my parents. i miss being a sister.
i miss conversing with my favorite regular, george, who would come in and specifically ask for me to make his short- wet- cappuccino. i miss my dad’s sandwiches. i miss the sanctuary i made of my room to escape the very routine i now long for; and i miss my hammock. open window. swing. sing, birds, sing. s w a y . evasion.

it hurts; like i knew it would.
i am in the process of stretching a new canvas, and i’m not sure where all my stretcher bars are. i’ve found work to fill my hands with, but i’m still looking for a place to set these two feet. displacement is a sad feeling i wish i didn’t find in my heart, but a feeling i know will crumble and wash away with time and plenty of paint. i just need a canvas, now.

week one; things i have learned so far:
1. don’t soak a cast iron skillet in soapy water. (quickly after learning this, i went and learned how to fix it.)
2. check what kind of pillow it is before you rip it open with the intention of using the stuffing for another pillow.
3. i am ambiguous, difficult to read, and communication within all parties involved is a necessity.
4. how to use a gas stove range.
5. grocery shopping is not as easy as the late night trips my dad and i used to make. there is always something else you have to go back and get.
6. the tornado sirens here don’t sound like the ones in frisco, texas.
7. wooden plates are cool, but not a good idea.
8. when cold air is trapped inside the pipes and hot air from the boiler rises to meet the cold air, it sounds like Neil Peart running around banging on the pipes with a dozen wrenches.
9. money disappears a lot faster than you ever expect it or want it to.
10. to stay in high spirits and be confident in my own skin, i must concentrate on my own health and well- being. comparing myself to others in a confusing and burdensome transition in my life will only make this heart heavy and even easy tasks difficult. self love and encouragement must, must be prevalent. otherwise, others’ love and encouragement mean nothing. i can’t shut down; i can’t keep focusing on the success of others. self preservation can’t be ignored if i want to keep my chin up. i am an admirable person with a good heart, a level head on my shoulders, and a wonderful young man by my side to support me.

its odd to think that i will never live in my house in texas again, although i know that i will always have a home there. i do wish that i had stayed longer and enjoyed more fully the time that i had with my family and the life i had built for the past nineteen years. but had i stayed, we would have lost this wonderful opportunity. oh, opportunity cost.

i just miss my family. i am so looking forward to visiting them!

then home is not where i am.
and i think i’ve known it, but i have been dancing around the fact for some time now. it hurts. it hurts to think that i have a home elsewhere from my family and loved ones. from every beautiful thing that raised me and all i’ve ever known. it hurts my family and loved ones to know that my heart is no longer here. i wish i could avoid the disappointment i know will be lain on thick by my leaving.

but part of growing is understanding that there will always be disappointment. regrets are inevitable, no matter how terrifying. accepting the fact that i have the potential to be completely awful, and sometimes will be, is a comprehension i will chase after, live with, and continue to grow in spite of. it is not a hope of mine to be paralyzed, frozen in one place by my fear of regret. instead, i aspire to live freely. hope, love, breathe freely and let everything roll off my back. the corporate world cannot touch me. i may work as their underdog for the rest of my life, but they cannot touch me.

i will travel and learn and seek and feel. i will be a mail man, a custodian, a lunch lady, a barista, a hair stylist, a cobbler, a painter, a potter, a writer, an artist, a farmer, a carpenter, a wife, a best friend, a best companion. a part of a fierce and mighty love, a part– not an effect. i will pour out everything, work with these two hands, love with the entirety of this mess of a body and soul, my back will break, these eyes will dry out, and i will wonder why..

but i will reap what i sow. and i will pursue happiness.

i will meet exquisite people and soak up anything and everything they have to share with me, and i will give back a pure and genuine love that stems from an intense appreciation for this thing. we. call. life.
to all of you who have already been these people,     thank you.

my heart and all her desires have been thrown across this earth. curiosity is pulling me away. i will delight in picking up an over- sized stone simply to see what lies beneath.
i will be a child.
because what is an “adult” anyway, but a kid with a hardened heart and bills to pay? we are all yet children. be child- like. color out of the lines. use the talent that you have been blessed with. otherwise, what is the point of a blessing? don’t be afraid to be afraid. don’t be afraid to love. don’t be afraid to live.

i will enjoy this life through child’s eyes; a wise and growing mind; a human and imperfect heart.

watch me be swept away by the good in this earth. watch the system roll off my back and fall in the hands of those who created it. watch this smile break across my face, with no pretension, with no prejudice. watch me dip my hands in this paint and a beautiful, messy masterpiece unfold in front of me. in front of you.

just watch me.
don’t pity me. if anything, envy me. this is what i want. this is what i am happy with. this is where my heart is. this is where my home is. and i cannot ignore it anymore, i have to follow it.

and follow it i shall.
just watch me.

i am not good at disappointing people.
and consequently, i have lived a life according to everyone else for much of the time i have had here. i say this with the hope not to ignore the beautiful and sometimes painful process of my growing up, discovering who i am as a human being, and putting some naivety behind myself. i know little facts about myself, but these do not necessarily dictate who i am. i am still learning that. we all are still learning that.

i rediscovered a dear, dear old friend who taught me (even more) to truly think for myself. he showed me how to find the innermost desires of my heart and follow them to a full and all- encompassing happiness. i love this friend for it. we understand each other to an inexplicable and enviable extent because of it. and i will not leave his side.

at the realization that all i really have at my fingertips is life, love, truth, and the pursuit of happiness, i have become terrified of the concept of regret.
i do not want to find myself in a broken and bloody knot wishing i would have done things differently. i am not afraid of death.
i am afraid of life. i am afraid of living. i am afraid of not living enough.

in a sense, i’m relearning the nature of humanity and the root of fear, the root of all selfishness. i want to know where the line is drawn between selfishness and selflessness; so often in our society it is confused, blurred, and fucking misused. self- preservation is necessary, but hey, don’t offend your neighbor. i already did two sentences ago.

i don’t want to drop something every time i am frustrated. there has to be something to say about perseverance, strength, diligence, respect, and commitment. i have been raised to love and pursue these things; i cannot simply ignore them.

but all i see now is dead ends with not as much to offer: some pottery that is sub, possibly par, some development of my skill to draw the human figure. these are good things; good opportunities right here at my fingertips.
all i see here is a large sum of disappointed people with their heads swaying to and fro with their tongues wagging in their mouths if i do decide that my heart is still. not. in. this.

poor fool.

i began to listen to other people in seventh grade. i realized i was an imperfect child, broken; foolish and not accepted by the mass of girls around me with their perfect straight hair, smooth shaven legs, training bras, and plastered faces, and not surrounded by, but helplessly in the midst of all the boys testing out their new- found “manhood.”

i sometimes wish i had just stayed a kid. i envy those of you who did.

i have known for a long time that there is more to life than staying in one state of mind. there is more than packaging myself in a neat box that is easily presentable.
i would love to adore you, know you, respect you, love you, help you when you need it, be supportive, and give to you.
but i am not here to please you. discomfort is a part of life; it is a part of growth.

i cannot be stagnant.
and it is my hope that you would step outside your complacent boundaries also.

i am too anxious to stay in school and still be a healthy, happy youth. that is a fact. that is the person that i am. pity me for it, if that is what makes you feel better. i am okay with the idea that i may settle down one day, go back to school, get a degree, or i may not. but either way, school is not for me now.

school is not how i learn. school is education in a box with facts and equations that are to be admired. with graduates also to be admired, that can prove they have diligence and perseverance and a solid future with plenty of money and questionable happiness.    i have tried world, but my heart is just. not. in. this.

life is how i learn. it is not what facts i know and can flawlessly recite, but who i know, and what they know of this thing we call life and what they have to teach to me, and what i hope i can teach them. i know all of you here. for years i have learned, and respect all of you here. please know that i want you to be happy with me. please, be happy with me.

i am not good at disappointing people.

i am also not content with being here anymore. i will always love you. i will always love texas. i will always love my childhood and my family and those of you who have influenced me up to this very point.

goodness, i have seen pieces of the world that have so much to offer and i am anxious like a racehorse trapped in its stall. i have been ready to break free of every last obligation here and discover independence for a long, long time.
please, i beg you, do not take it personally. i am just ready to spread my wings, set my feet down- hard, break out of this stall, yell and shout and skip and jump and run with a smile that could break my face wide open. i want to get my hands messy- and paint a big, stunning, beautiful, imperfect picture.

the thought of regret terrifies me.

the thought of coming to the point that i will no longer have this option of living such a liberal and loving life is paralyzing to me. you might be able to say that i reached my mid life crisis when i was eighteen years old. i know it was some kind of crisis. or several of them. i still have not shrugged off the feeling of disparity. this foundering has been a long time coming; i have been treading this water for far too long. take me out of this kiddie pool and give me an ocean to play in.

i understand now, more than ever, that all i want from life is genuine happiness.

have you ever confronted your own death?
i am not asking you if you have ever had a near- death experience, but if you have ever sat down in the same room as yourself, moments before your own life is completely and inevitably over. have you put yourself in your own shoes there, and thought what your last thought would be? it is going to happen, loves.

you will breathe out and not breathe in again. you are going to feel your heart beat in your chest- one last time. and for a brief moment there will be the desire to say something else, but your lips will not move. your tongue will craft no more words. and your entire existence of expression will be at its end.          will you panic?

i would not blame you.

i want my last thought in that moment, whether spoken as my last words or after the presence of my own communication escapes me, to be:

“damn…       that was good.”

and want for nothing.

thank you, friend; i will not leave your side.

and for those of you who do not know, i am engaged.

how’s that for an anouncement.

originally written december eleventh:

“today, i am at peace.

my time here is
limited,

and i hope to be
reminded of it consistently.

there will come a day that i do not breathe in again.

and so with that knowledge,
i will live and know how i am living. with hope.

and with respect and dignity for the souls i share my time with, for the good and the promotion of good, but never ignoring my heart and her quiet, restless desires.

i long to, honestly, never regret
anything. to love this life and all the mistakes
i made.
to be conscious and aware, not convincing
or convicting myself
of any entity.
it will be a life- long adventure.

to breathe my last, to feel my heart beat
one. last. time.
and to be pleased with how i loved
and lived.

to not want for anything.

today, i am at peace.”

i think i shall laugh, embrace, and grieve plenty in this lifetime.